Letting go ...

I have difficulty letting go...i just realized that. That realization didn't come suddenly..or out of nothing. I was watching Grey's Anatomy season 5 and there were a few scenes about letting go of the person you love and moving on..i was thinking about it and how it relates to my life..and then it hits me. I have difficulty letting go.

I still keep all the letters and cards my friends sent me when i was in Jordan. That was 8 years ago. I still have Hari Raya cards that my primary school friends gave me..and that was like 12 or 13 years ago. I save all the emails that Rabee sent me..well, almost all..i had deleted the ones that he sent when we first got to know each other, it was to save space on my email account at tht time, but then when they upgraded it to 1G, i stopped deleting. The latest was dated 16/1/2005..i counted, there are 31 emails in all. I also save his smses too. I still save the e-greeting cards my parents sent me for my birthday in 2006, i was working in Singapore at that time. I also have all their emails. I save the sms ieya sent me for my birthday in 2007..it was a very cute sms, and i was very touched by it.

Not only that, i still keep some of my school textbooks from Jordan, from IPTIPs, STAM..and even testpapers, assignments, and notes all the way since semester 1 in UIA, till now.

I used to keep empty perfume bottles too..bcs everytime i took a whiff of them, i would always be reminded of memories..memories of events, happenings and just practically anything related when i was using tht perfume. But i had to throw them to save space..

Looking at my wardrobe and cupboards, i realize i have a lot of things from the past.

At first i thought, maybe i just felt tht it wud be a waste to throw them away, that they would be useful to me some day. But now deep inside, i know that's only part of the truth.

I keep and save all these because i like to hold on to the memories they give me. So that it would remind me of how things were or used to be..of how 'I' was or used to be in the past..of all the changes that i've gone through. Of how much i hardly know myself now... Of people i loved and cared about the last 23 years of my life..still care and love about, bcs that's why i'm still keeping them...of the things that used to make me happy or sad or upset...i'm holding on to these memories, because that may be all i have one day and i don't want to lose or forget that.

I remembered that when we migrated back from Jordan to Malaysia..i lived the first 2 years of my life here as if i was in a fog. I couldn't stop thinking of my old friends..i had dreams about seeing and meeting them again. It was a painful and emotional period. When i finally realized that i could not forever live in the past..and that i had to move on..tht was hard on me.

I don't like to let go ...i find it very difficult to do..like i'm giving up a part of me, but i'm moving on..i'm moving on, alright.